**To preface, I will not be answering further questions or commenting beyond this. This entry is taking my heart and soul and I do not have more to share beyond these words.

I don’t know where to start with this. I’m just going with MY truth.

I was 10 when I first starved myself. I want to say that it was because I felt bigger than the other girls, but I know now that there were definitely bigger issues at play. Things got worse by age 14/15. I had a routine. I starved myself for about three days before binging so people wouldn’t get suspicious. If I’m being honest, It was quite easy actually. All you have to do is say you don’t feel well, you forgot your lunch, you had a big breakfast or show up half way through your 20 minute lunch in high school. When I binged I would either just binge or go to the farthest bathroom towards the end of lunch. Before school I would get up around 5 a.m. run around the block a few times and then lock myself in my room for about two hours after school doing continuous sit ups or random other workouts I found in Seventeen Magazine. I found magazine articles about high schoolers getting plastic surgery and had a secret folder in my room of these “inspo” pics. I thrived off the hunger pains in my stomach. I thrived off the dizziness during my workouts.

We watched warning movies in health class. We discussed the warning signs of eating disorders. All that did for me was give validation for what I was doing and give me ideas on how better to hide it. I know that sounds completely messed up and it is, but at the time I took notes in health class on how people got “caught” having an ED so I knew how to hide it better.

Who knows how long that could’ve gone on. It took one friend to notice the warning signs and be brave enough to confront me. With her encouragement I opened up to my mom that night and was re-enrolled in counseling. All I remember during that time is my counselor having me stare into a hand-held mirror and say something I love about myself during our sessions. It took weeks and many uncomfortable silences to finally come up with one thing I love about myself.

It is now 2020. I workout because I love it and it feels good. I eat healthier because I love it and it feels good. I eat cookies and drink wine because I love it and it feels good. I love myself. I know it’s narcissistic to say that but it’s true and I won’t apologize because it’s taken me years to say that. It is the hardest thing I’ve worked for. I love my husband, my job, my family, my friends - but I love myself the most.

I won’t lie and say that every day is picture perfect now. I believe that eating disorders never fully go away. I believe one can get better but I don’t believe you can fully be recovered. There are still days where food scares me. There are days I push a bit too hard in the gym because of what I ate that day. There are days when I skip a meal to fit into a dress that weekend. But overall, I’m better. I’m healthy. I’m healthy, happy Cami (IYKYK) and I couldn’t be more thankful. I won’t tell you how I got there because healing is different for everyone. But I will say, delete the eating disorder sites from your browser. Throw away your magazine clippings. Open your door. Open your eyes.

If you’re in the thick of it, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry this came to you and I’m so sorry for how you feel. Know it’s okay. Your feelings are valid. It’s not okay to do what you’re doing though. Relax your control. Feel the feelings you’re trying to bury under the ED. Ask for help. It will be okay.

If you’re a friend, your suspicions are probably right. Be brave. Reach out to them. Know the warning signs. Know it’s not okay and it’s not normal. Get help.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, contact the Helpline here: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline